Over the past two years, I’ve lost almost 50 pounds. I’ve dropped 4 dress sizes. And while I now don’t cringe at every photo I see of myself, there is one hang-up I just can’t seem to get past.
My uneven, why-won’t-they-just-get-thinner legs. Yes, my left leg is visually larger than my right leg. It’s not noticeable unless I point it out (feel free to scrutinize me next time you see me) but every time I look in the mirror, it’s all I see.
It’s not even purely a vanity issue (though I readily admit that’s a big component). My left leg is also weaker and fatigues more quickly than any other part of my body. I struggle with form and endurance on lunges and squats no matter how many lunges and squats I seem to do. At the end of a long day, my legs are so heavy that high knees looks more like a death march. They ache as I fall asleep. I feel like my body, so strong and capable everywhere else, is betraying me from the hips down.
I have seen multiple doctors over the past year to try to correct the underlying vein issue. I’ve had three different procedures of varying degrees of pain and difficulty. Each one was supposed to resolve it. Not one of them has.
I’ve worn compression stockings daily for months. They’re the only thing that make a difference in the short term. But thigh-high beige support hose make me feel like my grandma. Not to mention they are hot, uncomfortable as hell and completely impractical as a long-term solution.
I’ve tried diet changes, cutting sodium and eating clean to reduce overall body fat. I’ve kept the weight off, feel better and have more energy. But one leg is still bigger than the other.
I’ve tried every kind of exercise: extra cardio, distance running, the slow burn of barre, all the dead lifts. And these things make a difference in my overall strength, they do — but here I stand with one swollen left leg regardless.
When I look in the mirror, I don’t see that strength of that energy. All I can see is what needs to be “fixed.”
But maybe what needs to be fixed isn’t physical but mental instead. This session of Body Back, I’m trying a radical new goal. All of my previous sessions have been about seeing changes. This session is about acceptance.
I’m working out as hard as ever but I’m also trying to practice grace. I might never have a thigh gap. My form on lunges and squats may never be perfect. My calves are never going to be shapely and sexy. One leg is probably always going to be larger than the other, and I’ll probably never feel comfortable in a short dress.
That’s OK. My cattywampus legs, as a friend dubbed them, will take me far.
At a powerful workout this Body Back session, our instructor challenged us to think about what we love about ourselves. Between each HIIT round, we wrote on the chalkboard one thing we love.
Not one person wrote down a body part. We wrote adjectives — creative, patient, funny, kind, strong.
You know why? Because body parts don’t matter but what’s inside you is everything.
I am creative. I am patient. I am kind. I have cattywampus legs, no thigh gap, and a flat butt. But I love myself and I don’t need anyone else.
(Shout-out to Hailee Steinfeld for the validation as well as some serious motivation when my uneven legs are tired during those HIIT workouts.)
Take it from someone who’s been there: You can work out tirelessly but you can’t fight genetics. So you can spend the rest of your life working against your body and end up disappointed … or you can take a deep breath, let it out, and accept your imperfections.
I’d be lying if I said I was there yet. I’m not. I still get frustrated. I still feel betrayed. I still push myself harder in pursuit of the unattainable. But I also give myself permission to go easier on lunge jumps and squats. I buy dresses if they make me feel cute and I focus on that feeling when I wear them instead of dwelling on what my legs look like. I take this journey toward body positivity and self-love one step at a time and recognize that it may always be two steps forward, one step back. As long as I don’t quit, that’s what matters.
Now it’s your turn. Finish the sentence: I love that I am _______. Don’t overthink it. Just go with your gut instinct and own it.
I love that I am focused. Honest. Strong. Imperfect. And learning to be OK with it.
Share what you love about yourself in a comment below and on social media with #NeverDoneWithFun! Let’s celebrate how amazing we are instead of zeroing in on what we want to change.
