On Resistance, and How to Push Through
I’m a woman of vision, as #DoneWithFun Daddy is fond of telling me. At any given time, I have at least 10 projects in my head and 10 goals on the horizon. Sometimes it’s like popcorn in my head — ideas pop-pop-popping so fast, I’m afraid it’s going to burn.
And in fact, burn (out) is exactly what does happen more often than not. My follow-through lags as I get closer to reaching a goal or finishing a project. My tipping point is 80%: I’m almost there … so close I can taste it. That’s practically the same thing as being there, right?
Well, no, actually.
If you only followed 80% of a cake recipe, you wouldn’t end up with a cake. You’d have some batter in a pan. If you only filled out 80% of a job application, you wouldn’t get a call for an interview. If you only have 80% of the money for a new purse, that purse is going to stay on the shelf until you come up with the rest of the cash.
Honestly, I fall into the trap of 80% done approximately 100% of the time. It’s hard to maintain motivation when you’re 80% of the way there: that’s when the hardest work starts. You’ve been at it awhile, and the newness has worn off. It’s not exciting anymore. It’s easy to backslide a little, lose momentum, and never actually “bring it home” to 100% completion.
As someone who has done a lot of therapy in her life (anxiety and depression will always been issues I struggle with), I can tell you there’s a psychological term for this phenomenon: Resistance.
In psycho-speak, “psychological resistance is the phenomenon often encountered in clinical practice in which patients either directly or indirectly exhibit paradoxical opposing behaviors in presumably a clinically initiated push and pull of a change process” (thanks, Wikipedia.)
In plain English, you’re getting closer to your goal of change and you’re working against yourself, actively resisting the changes taking place. It’s the two steps forward, one step back mentality. It’s classic self-sabotaging behavior.
Let me give you a funny-but-not-really-funny, more ironic example: This post. I wrote literally 80% of it on Monday. The words just flowed. I had photos to go with it. But I didn’t have an introduction. So I sat on it, tossing it around in my head but making no progress. I started new posts, did some Easter decorating, shopped on Amazon, went for a run … anything except sit down and focus on the unpleasant task of writing the introduction that wouldn’t come to me. This post was almost done. But not quite. And therein lies the problem: almost doesn’t count. Resistance.
I’m not a therapist, so I can’t offer you sure-fire solutions to solve your issues overnight. A licensed counselor can help and if you’re struggling, I highly recommend talking to a professional. There have been many times in my life that I would not have been able to make it through without the advice and guidance of a trusted therapist.
What I can do is share the things that I start with when I find myself falling into old familiar patterns.
How to Combat Resistance on the Path to Achieving a Goal
1. Take a step back.
I can’t say this enough on the blog or to myself in my head: It’s OK to rest – not quit. One of the best things you can do when you’re feeling overwhelmed or frustrated is to step away from the problem for a minute. Clear your head and give the issue some time and space to breathe.
Grant yourself permission to take a day off, or a few days longer. You might even need to wallow a little bit. (Sick of training for your half-marathon? Sit on the couch for three days and see how you feel. Trying to break your sugar addiction? Over-indulge in some sub-par cookies and decide if you like how your body feels afterward. Think these are just arbitrary examples? Think again. 😉)
It’s OK to have a bad week. Last week was mine. But I’m not beating myself up over it because sometimes you have to go through the hard things to figure out how you want to go forward. The perspective you take from the experience is more valuable than the momentary setback.
2. Reexamine and refocus.
Next, take a hard look at the goal that you are struggling with: Is it still a goal you want to meet? Is it too broad and therefore impossible to accomplish? Is it so narrow that you’ve already accomplished it and don’t know where to go next? There is no shame in looking at a goal and realizing it’s NOT what you want any longer. Growth is a process, and you’re allowed to change your mind.
After you reexamine your initial goal, refocus it. Try framing it in a slightly different way if the heart of the goal is still what you want; if it’s not, tear it up into confetti and write something that reflects your growth mindset. Illustrate exactly why this goal is important to you and what it will look like (with concrete details!) when you achieve it 100% instead of the 80% you are stuck at.
3. Stop comparing.
You’ve seen the meme on social media a thousand times: “Comparison is the death of all joy.” (More on what you can learn from Rachel Hollis and other motivational authors here.) Just because it’s overused doesn’t mean the heart of the message isn’t critically important.
Stop comparing yourself to others. Period. Their journey is not your journey, and their strengths are not your strengths. Don’t dim your own light because you think someone else’s shine is brighter.
Equally important, or maybe even more so, stop comparing yourself to past versions of yourself. What happened six months ago or two years ago or before you had babies is just not that relevant to your current goal: You weren’t the person then that you are now. The demons of the past can keep you from moving forward. Don’t let them. Stay in the present and focus on what you can do now instead of what you were able to do in the past.
4. Talk about it or write about it.
I’ve already mentioned the benefits of therapy. But you don’t have to book an appointment with a shrink the minute you start feeling frustrated with your life. Book a date night with your spouse or a girls’ night with your best pals. Add caffeine or alcohol (both great for getting the words flowing, in my opinion) and share your struggles. For one, you’ll probably find out you’re not the only one feeling this way. And two, you’ll be forced to put into words exactly what is bothering you and why. Sometimes the negativity swirling around in ours heads is gray and ominous – but undefined. If you can put a name to the emotion, you’ve taken the first step in conquering it. Talking it out helps you get there.
If you don’t feel ready to open up and talk about it yet, write about it instead. Journal or work through a guided exercise in a planner. Write down all.the.words. that come to mind, no matter how jumbled or incoherent, and get them out of your head first. Then go back and edit, revise, cross out, scribble, make connections, draw pictures, and otherwise interpret what you just poured out: the process of pen to paper (or even fingers to keyboard) is so therapeutic on so many levels.
I’m always around if you want to vent or bounce an idea off me. Drop a comment below, send an email, or DM on Instagram!
5. Prioritize sleep.
I prioritize myself, self-care, me time…but I don’t prioritize sleep. In fact, I seem to thrive on the high of how much I can accomplish without very much of it. But that attitude stops now. And here’s why: It’s hard to be mindful and committed to making the right choices when you’re running on empty. When you’re tired, it’s extra easy to revert back to the negative habits and patterns that you’ve worked to change. It’s easier to grab a cupcake instead of an apple, and it’s much easier to skip the workout or put aside the project. You’re tired, so you’re in survival mode.
How to get out of survival mode? Sleep. Set a hard stop on activities each night and go to bed at a reasonable hour. Do you remember your mom telling you as a teenager that nothing good happens after midnight? Well for me, that time is 11 PM. I am making sure I am in bed, lights out, phone on the charger, by 11 PM every single night. And once a week, I am going to bed even earlier, by 9:30 PM to get a few extra hours of shut-eye to fuel my body and mind.
I know you have a million things to get done and not nearly enough hours to do it. I do too. But allow yourself a little more sleep and reap the benefits of more energy, more focus, and more willpower to crush those goals.
6. Celebrate how far you’ve come already.
I’m going to end on a positive note. Sure, there is nothing more frustrating than feeling like you are actively working against yourself. I get it. I’m there. Right now, as a matter of fact. But think about it this: the resistance you are feeling means that you are changing. You have created so much positive change in your life that a part of you got scared and feels uncertain about leaving the old patterns behind.
Resistance means you are well on your way to something better, so recognize all that you’ve already accomplished and then stick with the new habits you’ve established. Keep moving forward, even if you need to slow your pace or readjust your stride.
“You’ve always had the power, my dear. You just had to learn it for yourself.” – Glinda the Good Witch (or L. Frank Baum), The Wizard of Oz.
So dig in your ruby-slippered heels and get back to it. I am – my goals are too important to me to give up at only 80% of the way there. And yours are too.
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